Sunday, April 01, 2007

Wanted: A Bride

Marriages are made in Heaven, and broken on earth. This is probably my tagline for my perpetual state of bachelorhood. But then again there are many realities. They say wisdom comes with age, but in my case age has just showed up all of a sudden. Not to say that women don't find me attractive. No, no, no, no, no.... and let this be inscribed in the third dimension. As I was reiterating, I have 'dated' all the beautiful women in my neighbourhood, and their neighborhoods for that matter. The only problem is 'Then I wake up'.

Being a computer engineer, aka 'a geek', I have always been preoccupied with the idea of starting something on my own; thinking, copulating the next big thing. Sitting day after day in solitary dimensions, spinning my cocoon, enveloping all. After a string of false starts my finances dwindled to the tune of a discharged amplifier; further affecting my listings on the matrimonial stock exchange. Aha! Maybe thats why I have had no luck with cupid. I had just proved the fixed quantum theory of love. Aha again!!!! I was just this free radical with an unpaired electron. Highly reactive and ever ready to help out with random chemical processes.

Realising that something was missing in my kingdom, I decided to become proactive. And so in the pursuit of the unknown, I started a blog so that women could 'hit' on me. Well I did get a lot of hits but that just got my blog rating up. I then started jogging and at times had 4-5 women running after me. But then I realised that I was pacing random alluring paths, losing sight of the task at hand. I finally decided to consult my more experienced engineering friends. Pierced by the nakedness of my plight, my electrical engineering friend, nicknamed Spark, said that when you get married you discover what real happiness is, but then its too late. Its better to have a mistress. The very thought 'electrified' his senses. My architect friend totally disagreed and said it was better to start a family in order to build a 'strong foundation' for the future. I, on the other hand felt it was better to have both. Then either one would think I'm with the other and that would give me more time to spend doing my own thing. My friends then suggested that I try out the trial and error method. you know, if you find that you'll are not compatible, divorce her. The thought of having more than one wife was ok, but more than one mother-in-law. NO WAY!

The next evening I graced the wedding of my neighbour; for the free food and some rampant ogling. Then it happened; in between ecstasy and dessert, my wandering pupils were stunned to discover how old the bride was. At first I thought 'Love is blind', 'Age is no bar' or 'Maybe cause he is an archeologist'. But later when I learn't that she was the heiress to a large fortune, everything became clear. I met my wise neighbour after a couple of months and requested him to shower me with words of wisdom to which he first thought for an hour. Finally breaking his meditative silence he looked at me and uttered, "Marriage is a mistake we all make." He then thought for another hour and said, "For me marriage is a means to more important ends, it is not an end in itself". So with those words of wisdom and thoughts of marriage as a means to more important ends I put an ad in the paper which read,

Wanted a Bride,
For a Computer Engineer, 27.
Girl must be rich and beautiful.
Those interested can also contact me at my website www.wantedabride.com

The next few weeks were quite hectic. As I browsed through the many letters I had received I came across one which was quite appealing. It was from a girl named Monica who worked as an intern in the Rashtrapati Bhavan. The letter said that she had excellent oral communication skills, was a cigar smoker and her favourite movie was 'Kill Bill'. After trying to find patterns out of randomness I decided otherwise. By now I had received over a hundred letters including those from the opposite gender.

Finally I struck gold and I mean King Solomon's gold. We were to meet at her mansion which was situated in the most luxurious part of the city. On the fateful day I went to her house completely suited and booted; my decision already enjoying its intercourse with grandeur. At first her mother came to welcome me and I said, "So where is the bride", to which she replied, "I'm the bride". Looking at her imperfect figure and looks I thought to myself, falling in love in not about finding the perfect person, its about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. But that is falling in love; love is whats left when all the falling in love part inevitably withers away. I was in search of the perfect woman but then again I was willing to make a few exceptions. Though she was the perfect picture of imperfection at least she had a perfect bank balance; something that would complement, if not uplift my resources.

After flashing my credentials, a date was set and I finally tied the knot. Tight! I then took my wife to her new home. Seeing my humble dwellings she looked at me with a puzzled look on her face. Trying to retain my composure I told her about the financial mess I was in and how I would soon be starting my private enterprise with our (her) money.

Knowing that I had just pulled off the scam of the century I began dreaming of my bright future. she then looked at me with a smile on her face and said, "You know, that house where you met me wasn't mine. I was just a maid servant working there".

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Disclaimer:
Thats something I wrote a long time back, in the past present continuous; during my early engineering days when I was part of the magazine committee. Since we were not getting articles I was forced to write one :-)
However the article goes back even further to my elocution competitive days in school. The article was written by a person named Prof Zade which we found in the newspapers. I then modified the words and content to fit the 5 minute limit we had. I have mentioned about that competition out here.
However in engineering I did not remember the words and the content but just the outline of the ending and so I sat down and added flesh to the skeleton using quotes/jokes that I remembered from the reader's digest. I changed the article yet again before putting up this post.

13 comments:

Vaidehi Dongre said...

funny :) so what's ur status now? ;)

Alistair D'souza said...

still a free radical with err.... ok a free radical.. lets just leave it at that :-)

but the free radical is losing energy... need to tap it in its continuous flowing form and not in spurts like it is now :-(

LilOne said...

wonderful wonderful!!! v. v. witty!!

Alistair D'souza said...

thanks :-)

Charuta said...

:) :) :)

Reema Banerjee said...

u idiot...and i actually thot u pulled off this dumb stunt all this while!

Alistair D'souza said...

I know .... the things I have to stoop to at this age and weight :-)

btw.... got a very very short crop... and am looking nice and round and chubby :-
) its the 'fat boy slim' look....

Aditya Kulkarni said...

I was actually thinking - whats happenned to Alice so suddenly? Haven't ever seen him be so desperate :-).

I also thought for some time - it doesn't look like his style. There is too much of "course-work" in the article.

But when I saw the famous reader's digest line - "falling in love...", yeah the same one; I knew it were you, but still could not understand your motive.

Good article though. Very witty.

Alistair D'souza said...

no ulterior motive :-)

read my article that was there in our college aarohi magazine and decided to have another go at it....

was reading this book about writing and the author mentioned that you should ake some old article that ou wrote and touch it up or see how you can change it...

maybe after 5 years I touch it up again :-)

Alistair D'souza said...

and about that line.... well yeah it still holds true for me :-)

Eliza said...

For a minute I thought you were actually serious about bride hunting!

Alistair D'souza said...

@ Jaya
:-)
you married junta want everyone else to be married too...

don't worry I'll join you'll sometime...

Sumit Sorde said...

HAHA! nice article :)