The Wedding Toaster - Toasted

Unplugged and err brownish. The preparatory notes are out here. In a nutshell the toast revolved around fairytales. But fair is for fairytales which we all remember in our own ways.

Anyways, so I was in Goa for a wedding and was asked to raise the toast. They told me to keep it short; ideally not more than 3 minutes. So then I got into speech mode around 2 days before the wedding day. Wasn't tense but wanted to make a good impression, if you know what I mean :-)

So I started to think of flow. Broke up the toast into parts as mentioned out here. Wrote a poetry called "Finding Never Never Land" (about fairytales) to end with. And since ppl wouldn't want to listen to serious stuff, I padded the beginning and end with some humour. So it was 90 seconds of humour/sarcasm/pokes at family etc to start with and then 90 seconds of poetry and some subtle humor to end with.

I searched on the net for marriage jokes but everything seemed too run-of-the-mill types and stuff that everyone must have heard a thousand times (if they attend many weddings). So the week before that in Pune I met this lady who told me about how she had raised a toast with picture ppts and then another one where she used this particular 'upper hand' joke which I had not heard of till then. And since I attend a lot of weddings I thought it was something nice to start with. It was actually something that no one who I spoke to had heard of before. So I polished the joke, added it to the flow.It had this pretty good punch to start the proceedings with and grab people's attention. It had modulated tones and changes in diction and subtle eye expressions etc etc...

Now the compere/MC was supposed to introduce me before I raised the toast. So he calls the bride and groom to the cake and just before I start uses the very same 'upper hand' joke in a different flavour. The joke that not many had heard of till now. And everyone laughed... and then he asked me to raise the toast....

And so I started without the joke that would set things in flow. But otherwise the toast was decent.

The Wedding Toaster - Notes

[keep points for each topic/flow but not complete sentences. say something to this effect]

[start with a strong joke to grab people's attention]
As I raise the toast, I would request Vijay to take Manisha's hands and place his right hand over them (pause and change to a soft lovey dovey tone) and look deeeeeeeep into her eyes and cherish this moment (pause). Cause this may be the last time he has the upper hand (the punch line should be delivered with good timing).

We are the choices that we have made. Some choose to get married and some choose to proudly proclaim that they are single by choice (pause). But they never mention whose choice, do they. (punchline to be delivered with a quick, querying and serious tone/sarcastic humor).

And then there are the choices of falling in love, where we dream of fairytales and build castles in the air. But that doesn't happen. And then we make the choice that falling in love is not about finding the perfect person but about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

[change the flow from love to introduce the families. No qualifications/degrees/designations, but try to bring out humanity]

But love is the union of souls and marriage is the union of families and friends. Vijay and his close knit family are from Malaysia. I know Manisha and her family from 3 years back, when my Mom was visiting her cousins in Goa. I had other plans since I didn't know any of them. But the "what re", "Ahh voice" and "no men" were delivered in such a homely manner that I ended up extending my trip to 2 weeks. So basically what I'm trying to say (looking at Vijay) is that for the first 2-3 weeks they'll be good to you (pause) and then (pause and make people think of the punchline).... I'm sure they'll be ever better.

[if ppl are laughing then make a comment with subtle humor to mark the demarcation where you are finally getting serious]
So now that I have everyone's attention, I think its time I raised the toast (pause).

I've written a poem on Fairytales called 'Finding never Never Land' and it goes something like this.

[read out the poem]

Finding Never Never Land

Once upon a time,
Or so the fiction begins.
Everyone lived happily ever after,
And so the fiction ends.
And the poetry in translation,
In certainty, is what its all about.
So that once upon a time,
Ends with happily ever after.

And so once upon a time,
Somewhere beyond the rainbow.

The cards are dealt as we play our parts,
With poetic license, the rhyming starts.

A blank canvas, that gaping void,
Those dreamy strokes, retracing Freud,

Resolutions to make, and some to keep,
As the mind starts to wander, far and deep.

Coup de main, a consensus breached,
Caught unawares, the rainbow bleached.

Consenting adults, the coming of age,
Juvenile passions, each considered a sage.

Same is the cross, but different the nails,
Those runaway trains, on imaginary rails,

Beneath the embers, as the ashes take form,
From silent lucidity, comes a silent storm.

Astray in the darkness, with each echoing word,
The dialogue begins, others feelings are heard.

Timeless shadows, lurking in the soul,
A solemn understanding, in parts, then in whole,

Out of the blue a whisper passes by,
You tend to ignore it, you seem to know why.

The silent whisper in a world of the blind,
It starts to resonate, is it your kind.

The yellow brick road, a vision, depart,
In search of courage, some wisdom, some heart.

Perchance to dream, a sculptor's bliss,
Those Hands that builds out of nothingness.

They rock the cradle, a dream unfurled,
Hand in Hand, they rule the world.

Our place in the sun, if the books we trust,
From ashes to ashes, just a handful of dust.

As reality abides, we walk on our own,
The Secret of Memories, we are not alone.

The Angel's lullaby, the soprano's song,
The silent whispers still linger on.

Finding Never Never Land, for each I say,
Cause we all remember fairytales in our own way.

So here's to Manisha and Vijay.
Through the wrinkles of time,
May you share everything.
(pause for the punchline)
Including the housework.

Finding Never Never Land

Finding Never Never Land

Once upon a time,
Or so the fiction begins.
Everyone lived happily ever after,
And so the fiction ends.
And the poetry in translation,
In certainty, is what its all about.
So that once upon a time,
Ends with happily ever after.

And so once upon a time,
Somewhere beyond the rainbow.

The cards are dealt as we play our parts,
With poetic license, the rhyming starts.

A blank canvas, that gaping void,
Those dreamy strokes, retracing Freud,

Resolutions to make, and some to keep,
As the mind starts to wander, far and deep.

Coup de main, a consensus breached,
Caught unawares, the rainbow bleached.

Consenting adults, the coming of age,
Juvenile passions, each considered a sage.

Same is the cross, but different the nails,
Those runaway trains, on imaginary rails,

Beneath the embers, as the ashes take form,
From silent lucidity, comes a silent storm.

Astray in the darkness, with each echoing word,
The dialogue begins, others feelings are heard.

Timeless shadows, lurking in the soul,
A solemn understanding, in parts, then in whole,

Out of the blue a whisper passes by,
You tend to ignore it, you seem to know why.

The silent whisper in a world of the blind,
It starts to resonate, is it your kind.

The yellow brick road, a vision, depart,
In search of courage, some wisdom, some heart.

Perchance to dream, a sculptor's bliss,
Those Hands that builds out of nothingness.

They rock the cradle, a dream unfurled,
Hand in Hand, they rule the world.

Our place in the sun, if the books we trust,
From ashes to ashes, just a handful of dust.

As reality abides, we walk on our own,
The Secret of Memories, we are not alone.

The Angel's lullaby, the soprano's song,
The silent whispers still linger on.

Finding Never Never Land, for each I say,
Cause we all remember fairytales in our own way.

------ Alistair D'souza March 30th 2008

Taare Zameen Par and the Art of Motormouth Maintenance

On 'Taare Zameen Par' and the Art of Motormouth Maintenance.

Ok, so lets face the facts. Consciously or unconsciously we have been mean people at some point in our lives. And no matter how good we endeavor to be, we will be mean people again at some point in the future. And lets also face the facts that deep down inside we all think that we are good people and at some point or the other we have tried to show the world/ourselves that we care, consciously or unconsciously, in order to attain that certificate that claims, 'Don ke seene me bhi dil dhadakta hai!!!!!'

So I met this friend over the weekend in Pune. He has this habit of tipping girls off. He loves doing it. So we were in the midst of a conversation and this girl mentioned in a very serious and emotional aura that she cried while watching the movie 'Taare Zameen Par'. Just then his eyes lit up, as the hair on the back of his neck tingled with mind boggling certainty with regards to the choice of his next words and the high it was about to give him. With sarcastic humor and a tone of self proclaimed insanity he poked her, "Alistair did you cry when you watched the movie". I hinted a subtle 'No', setting out on the verge to explain that I was probably immune to such a mild show of emotions as I have watched many such movies and my threshold was a tad bit higher.... But all he wanted was the 'No'; cutting me short in my introspective reverie, so as not to lose the moment; the stage was set and he pounced on her like the big bad wolf.

"I know you must have been very bad at studies. All people who had problems in studies point to the screen and start crying. That was me. That was me. And the amount you cried is proportional to how bad you were."

Well it sure killed my reverie but it sure made me hysterical as I silently applauded that near perfect delivery. And then the two of them got into this nice healthy argument. It sure made the conversation more lively and I enjoyed every bit of it.

I tried this on some other people. The idea is to catch them in a serious/emotional mood. Its amusing to see the receiving end, pause for an ephemeral second, think about the reasons why they cried and then hit back with an explanation; the stutter in their tone, the smile on their face knowing that they've just been had. It sure makes for some healthy poking. And at the end of it brings smiles on everyone's faces.

PS: only to be tried on friends you know well... :-) otherwise you'll never get to know them well...

Scraps of Paper

Sometimes there are no bonds of blood.
Just
Scraps of Paper.

Some scraps of paper that I have with me since almost forever... Got the first two from this little girl...

Notice the 'mine' changed to 'you'... it gives it a subtle new meaning which I'm sure she didn't think of since she was really small then... but hey, it rhymes :-)


The last one is from an eighty year old lady who I used to practice for elocutions with. I loved to visit her since see seemed to have all the answers. She wrote something behind.

Have a few more random scraps of paper...

Getting used to it

Hehehehehe.... This struck so many chords when I first saw it.... from B sharp to C flat.... just had to put it up out here...