The Pacemaker

I always thought that I was strong
as strong as any one could be
I have always had my walls all around
my fortress or so I believed!
I have hidden there
and fooled myself into thinking that I was safe
Untill the walls came crumbling down…
and I lay there exposed and afraid

I struggled to build my walls up again,
hoping and longing for familiarity
I wanted to lose myself in sweet oblivion
within the fortress that had now abandoned me
Day in and day out I would lie awake
wondering when the nightmare would end
The time had come though, I finally realized,
that life would never be the same again

My life's journey feels like it began that fateful day
when realization hit home
That the innocence and carefree days of childhood and youth
were only a trial run
That the actual race has now begun…
and we each will have to brave the storm
Alone, we will have to run…
and will be often be faced with self doubt

With these somber thoughts I start my journey
and already feel like I am running behind
I look around and seem to be the last one there…
with the rest of the pack way ahead
I wonder if I will ever catch up…
if there is any point to all this pain
And for a moment, just for a moment,
I allow myself to slow down and be afraid

Its at that particular moment that I understood
why I felt the way I did
It was because I always saw myself
having to run alone in that race of life
But in that instance of surrender, I lost myself
and for the first time in a long time- felt safe again.

My journey has just begun and I still do not know
where the road will lead
But I do know the one who knows the way
and pray for the one who will chose to run alongside me
We were not built to run alone, to build our walls and be safe…
we were built to last…
Created to run together… With someone leading the way

-- Margaret Desouza